My day probably starts like everyone else’s. I am happily sound asleep until the horrible sound starts beeping from the other side of the room. Then Daddy mutters, “Alexa, mumble mumble alarm.” I am never sure who he is talking to, because no one in the house is actually named Alexa, but thankfully, the noise usually stops. Then it is quiet again. Maybe he is talking in his sleep. I sometimes chase rabbits when I am sleeping.
Daddy then usually gets out of bed and starts getting ready for the day. He throws water on his face for a bit while looking in the pond-thing on the wall, and then starts down the stairs. My sister and I usually follow.
I guess I should introduce myself before I go any further. My name is Laika, I’m a 14-year-old registered AKC papillon, and I am in charge of the household. I am black and white and weigh a svelte 6 pounds. I have a sister named Loki, who is similar in appearance, but she does not measure up to me. I guess you would call her a dog. I own two human servants, Daddy, who some people call Mike, and the woman…I tolerate her.
OK! On normal days, we head down the stairs to the kitchen. I love the kitchen; it makes the whole house smell amazing. Daddy pours a cup of good-smelling stuff into two cups and then puts Loki and me out. Then we all sit on the couch…my favorite part of the day.
Usually, we all talk for a while on the couch and then get moving. They give us breakfast, which I love, but I take my time so as not to look too appreciative; I don’t want to spoil my human servants. Loki, on the other hand, gobbles down her breakfast, licks the bowl (disgusting), licks my bowl (yuck), and wonders where her food went.
Every once in a while, on this thing called “Wednesday,” my whole world is disrupted. My servants suddenly look at the clock and say, “We need to get going!” Then they start running around with a new sense of urgency. They run upstairs and each choose a room, where they start moving oddly on the floor, with weights, bars, and stretchy things. Sometimes I try to help at this point, because I am not sure if Daddy is ok. He usually laughs and thanks me for my assistance. It is the least I can do for such a loyal servant.
Daddy and the woman then groom themselves in front of the pond-thing on the wall, but when they walk away, they smell terrible because they spray some totally unnatural stuff all over themselves. I try to stay clear of them when that is going on.
Then they put on black, and those dreaded “bags” come out. We all know what that means.
Black and gold paw covers go into the “bags”, along with a notebook and various other things. Loki and I can only sit there and sadly sigh. They are going to “Lessons.”
Now, you would think after all these years, that these two servants would know how to perambulate (Ha, you didn’t think I knew that word, did you? I’m pretty smart. It means walk or travel through a place or area, especially for pleasure.) correctly, but for some reason, they go out and practice every day, and “Wednesdays” are the worst. They keep talking about “Vlad,” not being late, feathers and wings – we don’t have any birds in the house, and things like telemarks, natural turns, whisks, etc. What does it all mean?
They push us out the door one more time in a very disrespectful manner, gather those stinky foot sacks, and yell, “Alexa, play calming music for doggies!” And even though no one is there, someone answers, and music starts. I hate Alexa and I hate that music, and who are they calling a “doggie?” Not me! I just sit on the back of the couch and stare at them in disgust. Just go!
Then they open the giant door to release the steel monster. The monster screams, and off they go, totally forgetting about us, while that calming music hums on. Why couldn’t they leave us with good sounds…I like it when Daddy plays “Crazy Train” or when the woman puts on Engelbert, and then slips, slides, and turns around the room. I’m not sure what that is all about, but she seems to be getting better at it.
Well, Loki and I guard the house, watch the squirrels, and sleep a lot. After a long time…maybe hours, it seems like days, months, or years…we hear the giant door and the monster. They come home, and we run to the door. I scold them loudly and profusely for their lack of responsibility and thoughtlessness, while Loki immediately forgives them. I don’t know what her problem is.
They immediately tell Alexa, I still don’t know who that is, to turn off the music. Thank God! But it’s not over. They say hello, but usually start sliding and turning in the middle of the family room, with their arms flying everywhere. Sometimes they laugh, and sometimes they even disagree. Clearly, they do not realize that we have been waiting and deserve their complete and utter attention. After all, we took such good care of the house in their absence and tolerated that lousy music.
The real kicker comes when they stop doing all of this and grab their “bags” again. But instead of going upstairs, they open the dreaded “other” door. Noooooooo! The “other” door leads down to the dark place below ground. When I was younger, I thought it was kind of cool…a giant room with a slippery floor and a lot of pond-things on the wall; I could admire myself from every side! But now, I am totally over it. They put on their black paw covers and start sliding around. It’s embarrassing…what if the neighborhood hounds see them? Besides, at this point, I want my dinner.
I usually wait at the top of the stairs for them, but enough is enough. These antics cannot be tolerated. After all, I am the only person that matters in the household, and it has been months since breakfast. I’m not big but watch this!! I head down the stairs and let them have it. Initially, I express my displeasure, but then I realize they are clearly in some kind of distress. They are sliding, running, bouncing, turning, and waving their paws sporadically. I stand there and look at them in amazement. So, I do the only thing I can think of…I walk underneath them. It always works. Silly human servants…they are so easily distracted. Daddy tries taking me upstairs, but NO, I’ve had enough. I will not be deterred! I am Laika, hear me roar!
Well, I eventually get my dinner and allow them to feed Loki too, and we all settle down for the evening behind the talking idiot box.
The rest of the time is mine, unless one of them has one of those horrible Zoom calls, where they yell at the big bright box upstairs for an hour or two. I don’t know who USA Dance is, but he needs to realize that he is cutting into my time with Daddy and is keeping the woman up all hours of the night. This cuts into my rabbit chasing time…not good!
