Part of the thrill of ballroom dancing is stretching your legs at a social dance with a variety of partners. As old-fashioned as this may sound, you can maximize your chances of engaging many dance partners by exercising good manners.
Etiquette on and off the dance floor is rooted in consideration for others. With embarrassment and injury looming in our sport, consideration for others becomes not just a social moré but a practical necessity.
For the Gentlemen
Dress Appropriately.
Grooming, posture, and dress communicate your sense of self in life, and especially in the ballroom. One of my pet peeves is seeing beautifully turned-out ladies dancing with slobs. (Pros, are you listening?) Carrying yourself with shoulders back and head held high conveys self-confidence. Dressing neatly and perhaps with a bit of flair communicates respect for the people around you. Obviously, you made the effort to make a good impression!
Dressing for dance, however, is not just about looking good. It has very practical aspects. Having been stepped on by someone wearing leather brogues, dance shoes are a must, if only for the safety of your partner.
Perspiration is an inescapable fact of DanceSport, but no one enjoys touching sweaty skin. You may have muscular arms, but if they have a tendency to get sweaty, you don’t want your social partner wishing gloves were back in style. Shorts on gentlemen are never appropriate and many ladies prefer their leaders to wear long sleeves. Shirts that show the stomach with uplifted arms are also inappropriate. Always have a clean cloth to wipe away perspiration and a clean, spare shirt and/or undershirt in your dance bag.
Be Mindful of Odors.
Some studios have a rule against cologne and perfume. I personally love dancing with a gentleman in a fresh shirt and a sprinkle of fragrance. Excessive use of fragrances, of course, must be avoided as this can be as distracting and unpleasant as body odor and bad breath – two wholly avoidable and seriously embarrassing personal failings. Breath mints, baby, breath mints! Coffee, spicy food, and cigarettes before a dance are a no-no. (I also avoid dairy.)
Protect your Follower.
Because the lady cannot see where she is going, the gentleman is responsible for avoiding collisions. This makes it imperative that the leader conforms to the universally established traffic pattern on the ballroom floor: fast dancers circle counterclockwise around the outside. Slower and more inexperienced dancers stay closer to the middle of the floor. Figures that stop the flow of traffic should be done outside of the fast lane. Should you or your follower bump or step on someone, apologies should be issued instantly. A suspected injury should be inquired about immediately after that dance.
Always return your lady safely to her seat.
Don’t Volunteer Corrections.
Keep in mind that mistakes are generally shared 50-50 in a partnership. It is always wise to look at yourself before placing the blame on your partner. Gentlemen should realize that everyone leads differently. Ladies must adjust on the instant to an array of oftentimes unclear leads.
The social dance floor is not the place for uninvited Amateur instruction. Even well-intentioned corrections can undermine a person’s confidence in ways you cannot guess. One time a Pro I was dancing with for the first time tore into my Cha Cha with such unfiltered criticism that it destroyed my relationship with my instructor. In retrospect, this Pro’s assessment pushed me to improve myself, but his method was certainly unprofessional and caused me long-lasting unhappiness and a few soured relationships.
Protect Yourself from Injury or Discomfort.
Gentlemen, if a lady is leaning too heavily on your arm, lower your frame quickly, then raise it again. She should get the message. If the lady is hanging onto your arm for dear life, you are probably leading her beyond her comfort zone.
Be Responsive to Your Partner’s Requests
Men, you can sometimes feel like steel to the ladies, so be sensitive. As much as I avoid correcting my partner, there are situations where I do have to speak up. Sometimes an inexperienced leader will exert so much pressure on my right hand in his hold that it will send a pain through my right shoulder. “Wow! You’re strong! Could you lighten up a bit please? I have an old shoulder injury.”
I also have a delicate back. Gentlemen have my eternal gratitude when they ask in advance if they can dip me. For most ladies, being dipped is a thrill. For me, it is a danger.
Tall leaders can sometimes hold me so high that I can’t engage my knees. When this happens I simply say, “I feel I need to get into my knees more. Can you let me down a bit please?”
Dance with the Person you Came with.
If your lady is resting or asked to dance by another gentleman, that is your chance to ask another lady. There is, of course, nothing wrong with staying in your seat to rest yourself. A charming gentleman will watch his lady dance and give a sincere compliment on her return. “You did a beautiful turn!” “Your dress is dazzling on the floor!”
Avoid conversations or flirtations with others while dancing. The most charming partners make you feel you are the only other person in existence for one minute and ten seconds.
Avoid Taking a Declined Invitation Personally.
Asking someone to dance does take some courage, especially for newer dancers. I try to accept every invitation, but everyone has to realize there are some very legitimate reasons for declining a dance – fatigue, sore feet, injury, or lack of confidence in that particular dance.
Remember, too, that being asked to dance by a new leader can be a frightening prospect for an inexperienced dancer. I remember my fear quickly turning to wonderment and admiration when I first danced with my studio’s most advanced male student. He did astonishing figure eights while I struggled with the basic Cha Cha box. His cheerful kindness dancing with a rank beginner set for me the standard of generosity I have since tried to cultivate in myself. (He and his ballerina bride subsequently invited my husband and me to their wedding.)
Being asked by a follower is a slightly more complicated situation, which I’ll discuss later. As acceptable as it is for ladies to ask gentlemen these days, I personally find it fraught with difficulties. Generally, if you don’t feel confident leading a dance, simply say so, perhaps with a promise to ask the lady for a different dance later.
About Closed Hold…
Many ladies feel uncomfortable with lower body contact during closed hold. Let the ladies invite the degree of contact.
The most unpleasant and common error leaders make in social dance is holding the lady too tightly. If the lady seems to be pushing you away, take the hint and relax a bit.
The Creep Factor
No man wants to be the object of ridicule among the ladies. In my 16 years of dancing, I have felt the creep factor just once. That fellow LEERED. As an inexperienced dancer, I put up with this out of misplaced politeness. Now, I would decline all dances with him and and tell him I don’t feel comfortable dancing with him. As awkward as that would be, I would be saving myself from distress and possibly helping him correct his behavior.
Gentlemen should also avoid making disparaging comments about other ladies. Though you may receive a quick laugh, once heard, it is not forgiven. (What will he be saying about me?)
For the Ladies
Respect the Gentlemen.
As a follower, I am amazed at how much the leader has to command during a dance – direction, figure, timing, and floorcraft. I try to follow with respect for the difficulty of the job and gratitude for the effort.
Good manners require the same inviting smile when dancing with a beginner as with an advanced partner.
Always thank your partner, smile, and accept being escorted back to your seat. (The ballroom is the last bastion of chivalry in our increasingly crass society.)
Clothing
Ladies, our challenges with dance clothes are endless. Skirts twirl too high. Lots of fabric doesn’t breathe or allow free motion.
Showing panties on a social dance floor is a complete faux pas. An excessively low neckline is also inappropriate. Our aim is to be attractive without being overly sexy. Married men, out of consideration for their spouses, will not ask inappropriate dressers to dance, so you immediately cut your chances of getting asked to dance by a considerable margin.
Ladies need to be conscious of jewelry on theirr wrists and hands. Some bracelets snag your partners’ shirts. Rings and large bracelets can also pose a hazard to other dancers when doing arm styling. Necklaces that become airborne while spinning are also a danger to your teeth. Dangling earrings frighten me, too, but that is a personal choice.
On Being Asked to Dance…
An enthusiastic “Yes!” is always the best response to a dance invitation. “Sure,” or “OK,” would not sit well with me on the receiving end. If you must decline, do so kindly. “I’ve got to sit this one out,” or “I don’t know this dance.” “Please do ask me again!” said sincerely will go a long way. If you decline, do not then get up and dance with someone else.
I just hate being asked by a strong leader to do a dance at which I am weak, but it always turns out to be fun even if I didn’t show myself to advantage. The best advice is to say “Yes!” whenever you can.
On Asking a Gentleman to Dance…
Although it is perfectly acceptable for ladies to ask men to dance, I have learned through some disastrous dances never to make the first request of a more advanced leader. I now bestow my proactive charms only upon leaders who would clearly enjoy my skill level and not be hindered by it.
The very first time I asked for a dance was for a Waltz with a very advanced leader whom I had admired for months. I was so new to dancing that I didn’t even know the Waltz in question was a Viennese Waltz! You can imagine how horrible that experience was for that poor fellow. I never got to dance with him again.
I foolishly repeated this experience years later when I once again asked a wonderful leader for a Fox Trot. It turned out he did International exclusively and, again, I didn’t even know the difference. There was no joy in that dance for either of us and sadly, I have not danced with him again either.
Be a Considerate Follower.
Ladies, you must make every effort to hold up your own arms. It is extremely fatiguing for the man to support your arm resting upon his. Do not pinch the gentleman’s bicep, always being careful to gently squeeze just enough to keep solid contact between your fingers.
If a leader is dancing beyond your skill level and you find yourself wishing someone would toss you a life preserver, ask your leader to slow down a bit. This will allow you to adjust your frame and take the pressure off the arm you were almost certainly clutching.
Help your leader avoid others by giving a quick squeeze to his arm. Only you can see behind him.
When you miss a lead, just carry on. Don’t blame your partner or yourself – secretly or aloud. Men usually own the mistakes, but in truth, mistakes are usually 50-50. Remember, Pros can follow just about anything!
Avoid Self-deprecating Comments.
If a dance didn’t go well, or parts were rough, ladies must resist the common tendency to disparage themselves. This makes you seem needy. Your partner’s role is not to boost your self-esteem. Every dancer is on their own journey to improvement. The key is to enjoy where you are now while nurturing the ambition to advance.
Mixers
Be kind and generous in mixers. You don’t know the flood of emotions surging through your partner. When I was a high Bronze dancer, a brand new student had to dance with me in a mixer. It was both amusing and touching to see a successful, mature man wearing a mask of terror. Little more than two years later, he was every bit my equal and then considerably surpassed me by taking four lessons a week and doing competitions.
On Aging and Jealousy…
I started dancing well past my best-before-date. My female teacher, sensitive to my body shyness, said, “Beauty is fleeting but interesting is forever.” She was so right! Older men and women can be as regal and beautiful as royalty when dancing well.
Another instructor, to whom I will remain forever grateful, pointed out the obvious: “You can only be yourself.” By this, he meant that I shouldn’t spend my life trying to become a mini-me of the studio’s best pro. I can only be the best dancer I can be, and that has to be enough. You can think yourself into a life of inadequacy by comparing yourself to others when the point of life… and dance… is simply to improve yourself by bringing out the best of your unique set of aptitudes.
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There’s no substitute for oodles of costly lessons, but patience, respect, and gratitude are nearly as important as balance and posture in social dancing. Being considerate of our partners and confident in ourselves will make the ballroom come alive with possibilities.
